Summer 2004

When walking around convenience stores, one sees many things. Light bulbs, energy drinks, comic books, ice cream, umbrellas, beverages, batteries, and most importantly, FOOD. Snack food and more serious items like eggs, bread and beer. There are a few quirks that make Japanese convenience stores unique or at least interesting... Take the above for example. A package of what are basically hot dogs. Know by the title "Homo Sausage", they get a few snickers from unknowing foreigners here and there. But for this indie, I decides to focus on one snack food I am deeply interested in.

Doritos.

As mentioned earlier, I have issues with Doritos. Manly issues of the tongue-based variety. Sure, the may be "Nacho Cheesier!" or more so than I remember, but they are also have that glaring IMPORT stamp on the bag. Where they are imported from doesn:t matter. What does matter is the fact that I hate them. Another fondly remembered fatty snack food warped horribly to sell here. Like Gatorade.

Besides the earlier and the Cheddar Cheese and Jalapeno variety are these. "Toasted Corn" Doritos. If you have had Tostidos or basically any brand of authentic tortilla chips, then you can say you:ve tried these. That:s what they taste like. And with those three, done and over with, I present a few more flavors. "Flavor" being in quotation marks and used roughly. "Shades of Carcinogenic Horror" would be better, but not by much, so I went with "flavor".

Nacho Cheese flavor. A good taste taken too far. Way too far. These are simply horrible and consider yourself warned. DO NOT confuse these with Cheddar Cheese and Jalapeno. ...Or food.

Pizza-La, a local pizza chain like Pizza Hut or Papa John:s, decided to help Doritos in their quest to make me hate them more. Now while the Japanese have crazy concepts of what pizza should taste like, the mere notion of forcing these monstrosities on the chip-eating public is unforgivable. If you can:t read the label clearly (HA!) then it reads "Curry Monterrey".

Curry. And. Monterrey cheese.

Another kick in the head. "Ebi-Mayo" or "Shrimp and Mayonnaise" for my brothers who don:t speak Japanese. Well, I guess they do now. I just taught them how to say "shrimp". Ebi.

Which should come in handy should they ever in a Japanese convenience store and they want to ask where the Doritos that taste like shrimp are. You:re welcome guys.

Now somewhere in all this talk of Doritos, I should mention that while I give the Japanese a hard time, the American concept of Dorito chips are a bastardization of a real-life honest-to-god staple of daily life for our southern friends, the large green sombrero-wearing Mexican with bushy black eyebrows and mustache who smoke. (picture courtesy of bathroom at Mexican restaurant) (...in Japan.)

And speak of the devils, here:s a Dorito bag of chips which are bold and spicy enough to be "Mexican Taste". Nope. Basically someone thought that bean dip equals "Mexican Taste" and sold the idea to Doritos. 

Also available are these bad boys here. "Mexican Taco Flavored" Doritos. If you need to ask what they taste like, don:t bother. A better question would be "what do they not taste like?"

They do not  taste like anything British, I tell you what.

Now, as not to be expected, a bag of Doritos that I don:t hate with every fiber in my body. Somehow, the quality control team behind this thought "Hey, maybe there should be a Dorito flavor that doesn:t throw itself down your throat with the grace and refinement of an old sneaker..."

For their honest and unselfish thinking, these rare chips are all that remain of their legacy of radically logical thinking. Shortly after these chips were sent out, a small group of "ninja-like turtle-people" broke into their underground office complex and spouted quirky catchphrases while beating the team to death with plastic foam replicas of actual weapons. It took a great while to accomplish and was unprofessional, leading investigators to believe the assailants were either amateurs, or young, possibly teenage, vigilantes who played too many video games.

Olive Oil Doritos. ...Yep. Round, bitter, stale and IMPOSSIBLE to find. Go ahead, I dare you. "Basil and Salt Flavor" would be a cool band name, now that I think about it.

And to wash down anything mentioned above, I suggest Snapple. Pink Lemonade Snapple would probably be best.

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Why all this talk about food? Why all this hate? Why ask why? - Drink Snapple Dry!

Sigh... Extended periods away from home and country will make a person do crazy things. Such as talk about the various things which anger him. Things which happen to be soemthing he really, really doesn:t want to hate or be angry about. And, hey, maybe I can get a Snapple endorsement deal. It:s pretty popular over here, as far as $3.50 bottled drinks go.

PEACE & OMFG I <3zorz sNaPP1e!!